Ride or Die: I’m in this battle with you

I am currently forcing myself to write this just to say that I posted something for you lovelies. Despite having no formal obligation to anyone to write my blog, I feel that I have an understanding with my community (that’s you). You expect a blog post weekly. This is one of the commandments that you form with your readers when blogging: “I will published x posts a week and I must adhere to that schedule.” Unfortunately for you, my mad lovelies, I have broken that commandment time and time again.

The past two weeks have been tough. Depression has been hanging around, not like the familiar lead weights tied to my ankles, making me completely immobile. But it’s more like a wet blanket that I’m forced to dragΒ around. I have tried all of the tools at my disposal to lift the blanket from my shoulders. I’ve listened to music, gone for walks, talked with friends, spoken to my therapist, sat in the sun, read, and coloured. For whatever reason, I just can’t shake it. I watch laughing and smiling people with disdain. The sunlight literally hurts my eyes. I just want it to rain, sit in silence, and stare at a wall.

depressionI think the reason that I’m feeling like this is because I’m feeling stuck in my recovery. When I left the out-patient program I felt like I had hope for my future. I had strategies and tools. I was off of lithium. But that confidence and happiness has fallen away. Now I feel like I’m trapped in a hamster wheel of recovery: doctor appointments, new medication, therapy, and repeat. And this feeling of being stuck in a spin cycle has also translated into me not feeling good enough to write a post. Not that I’m too unwell to literally write, but what advice can I offer you, my mad lovely readers, when I can’t even fix myself? I am exactly like so many of you. I have no insight. I have no advice. I’m just as lost and struggling as you.

Just like providing readers with a regular post, the second commandment is to leave your readers with some kind of take away message. Whether that means you’ve learned something new, come to some kind of insight, or enjoyed the storytelling. At the moment, I don’t feel like I’m able to achieve any of those things in my posts. The frustrating part is that this is all self-imposed pressure. I have no boss whipping me to get a story out. Many of you, I don’t even know personally. Yet, I still feel this sense of obligation to deliver.

I know many of you that read this blog look to me to offer words of wisdom about mental health or recovery or be some sort of beacon of hope for those of you who are struggling right now. I guess all I can say is that I’m in this fucking fight with you. I’m a ride or die bitch.

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8 thoughts on “Ride or Die: I’m in this battle with you

  1. Hi Marisa,
    I don’t know you personally, but I felt the urge to commend you for writing even when you’re in this “slump”. It probably isn’t something most of us who are struggling would do. (I know I wouldn’t/couldn’t). And so that leads me to say that you did in fact leave us readers with a take-away message, unlike you believed. I’ve taken away that you are someone I can relate to, and it makes me feel like less of an alien when I too wish for it to rain, to sit in silence, and to stare at a wall. So thank you! And know you aren’t alone in this.
    Hoping for improvements over the next few weeks – don’t forget to celebrate the little victories of happy moments.
    Love from Calgary, AB.
    Nicole

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  2. Marisa, It seems to me that the change of the seasons has been a time that is challenging to say the least. Yes, you are not alone. I send you a hug. πŸ™‚

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  3. Marisa,
    you know what I take away from this? You are human, you are real, and you have so much strength and courage to be able to share your everyday story. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nope. Not looking at your for comfort and words of wisdom. It just feels good to know that we are never alone. I’m currently where you are. I’ve spent the day debating whether I should admit myself to the psych ward…seriously…So when I read that I’m not the only one who can’t muster the strength to live, never mind churn out posts about happily ever after, well, that’s comfort enough. Just hang in there….gawd, I hate myself for even giving you that lame piece of advice…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Marisa,

    I admire that you are dedicated to still writing even when you don’t feel at your best. It’s really hard for me to write when I’m not feeling well, so it is encouraging to see you write no matter what! Thank you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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