I am currently forcing myself to write this just to say that I posted something for you lovelies. Despite having no formal obligation to anyone to write my blog, I feel that I have an understanding with my community (that’s you). You expect a blog post weekly. This is one of the commandments that you form with your readers when blogging: “I will published x posts a week and I must adhere to that schedule.” Unfortunately for you, my mad lovelies, I have broken that commandment time and time again.
The past two weeks have been tough. Depression has been hanging around, not like the familiar lead weights tied to my ankles, making me completely immobile. But it’s more like a wet blanket that I’m forced to drag around. I have tried all of the tools at my disposal to lift the blanket from my shoulders. I’ve listened to music, gone for walks, talked with friends, spoken to my therapist, sat in the sun, read, and coloured. For whatever reason, I just can’t shake it. I watch laughing and smiling people with disdain. The sunlight literally hurts my eyes. I just want it to rain, sit in silence, and stare at a wall.
I think the reason that I’m feeling like this is because I’m feeling stuck in my recovery. When I left the out-patient program I felt like I had hope for my future. I had strategies and tools. I was off of lithium. But that confidence and happiness has fallen away. Now I feel like I’m trapped in a hamster wheel of recovery: doctor appointments, new medication, therapy, and repeat. And this feeling of being stuck in a spin cycle has also translated into me not feeling good enough to write a post. Not that I’m too unwell to literally write, but what advice can I offer you, my mad lovely readers, when I can’t even fix myself? I am exactly like so many of you. I have no insight. I have no advice. I’m just as lost and struggling as you.
Just like providing readers with a regular post, the second commandment is to leave your readers with some kind of take away message. Whether that means you’ve learned something new, come to some kind of insight, or enjoyed the storytelling. At the moment, I don’t feel like I’m able to achieve any of those things in my posts. The frustrating part is that this is all self-imposed pressure. I have no boss whipping me to get a story out. Many of you, I don’t even know personally. Yet, I still feel this sense of obligation to deliver.
I know many of you that read this blog look to me to offer words of wisdom about mental health or recovery or be some sort of beacon of hope for those of you who are struggling right now. I guess all I can say is that I’m in this fucking fight with you. I’m a ride or die bitch.